The 7 things I’m doing to help me with my ‘Empty Nest’ emotions!
As you may already have noticed (!) I have recently been reflecting on ‘Empty Nest’ quite a bit and how the mix of emotions around it is quite a spicey blend!
And as I’ve been exploring more deeply the complex mix of emotions that I’m feeling in anticipation of ‘when the time comes’ (the relief and sense of achievement at having made it to this milestone (during which, time has sometimes felt like an eternity and at others the blink of an eye); The sense of an ending with some sadness, trepidation, slight worry/anxiety mixed with an equal sense of new beginnings, infused with excitement, pride and hope) – I’ve realised that whilst we’ve navigated many transitions over the years, this one feels different.
This one feels bigger.
This one doesn’t ‘just’ represent development, growth, growing up, becoming more independent, more capable, more resilient along a particular path of the journey.
This is the preparation for a whole new journey.
And is strikes me that these conflicted emotions, the slight feelings of shifting, loss and lost-ness, and ‘new beginnings’ have shown up for me at other times in my life too.
When each of my parents died.
When I left the corporate world for the last time without really knowing what was next.
When I was the one leaving the family nest.
When I became pregnant, and when my son was born.
Each of these times in my life has required me to accept a change, whether invited by me or thrust upon me, that brought with it a huge dose of uncertainty and the unknown. And each time unsettled my sense of ‘self’, my role and purpose in life, my identity.
They’re all ‘normal’ things that happen in life, but that doesn’t mean they don’t FEEL BIG!
Looking into the Empty Nest
So, we’ve reached that point where we’ve done a reasonable enough job of skilling The Teen to navigate most things in life. He’s got his own tools and resources that work for him, and he knows that he can (and does) ask if he needs help or support.
And that means that we can (and must) release the parental-tethers confident in the knowledge that for the most part, he’s fine looking after himself (and in fact, that’s what he WANTS), he can work most of the daily life demands and problems out for himself.
I still get to ‘be there’ for him, if he needs me to be, but my role is more strategic now – just overseeing and providing a steer if he wants one, rather than being a leader and manager in his life.
In releasing the tethers we show him that we trust him to be a responsible adult. We also show that we will be OK too, even when he’s not here.
And as I have reflected on this, and what this shift might feel like, I have become more acutely aware of just how much of my emotional and mental energy I have invested in raising another human being from a helpless bunch of cells to a fully grown adult human (well, almost, I think technically we’ve got another few years until his brain is fully mature!).
It’s what has shaped my daily existence for the past 19 years (with various other things coming and going around that central focus).
Lesson from nature #1: Metamorphosis Complete
It’s no wonder, then, that this feels more like a complete metamorphosis, a total transformation, rather than simply another step-change of transition along the path we’ve been on since he came into our lives.
And this requires a different response from me and for me.
And once more, looking to nature has given me some valuable insights!
We have been the cocoon in which he has been evolving, growing, shape-shifting. The thing that has been keeping him safe as he experimented, learned and grew physically, mentally and emotionally.
And now he is ready to break that cocoon open, to fly free and go out into the world as his own unique being.
And nature guides me again here too!
Lesson from nature #2: Permission to focus on ME
When I noticed that birds tend to ‘disappear’ once the fledglings have fledged, I looked into why they do that. And basically they take themselves off to places where they can rest, stuff their own faces with whatever juicy food they can find, and to bathe, and preen and do all the things that they just don’t have time for when they’re in the thick of raising their young, that they need in order to stay healthy for next breeding season.
In this phase they return to simply being adult birds, doing what adult birds do when they’re not rearing their young.
Now clearly being human is slightly more complicated than being a Blackbird – but the essence of the message is that it’s time for me to take my lead from nature and the Blackbirds and Robins I’m seeing in the garden, and invest more of my energy and time into myself for me to redefine MY ‘next phase’.
And I think it’s important to lean into this
Not just for me, but for The Teen too.
So what does this look like?
The 7 things I’m doing to help me with my empty nest emotions:
I’m allowing the feelings in, ALL of them: staying curious about the emotions that pop up & working on ensuring that they don’t become all consuming. I’m giving air-time to the sadness, worry, lost-ness AND at the same time I am being intentional about looking at the ‘normal-ness’ of this, the release from all the emotional and mental load that parenting a child and young person. I’m accepting that this is as things should be, and that this change IS a big one, and whatever I’m feeling about it is OK.
I’m balancing some of the sadness by actively celebrating the milestone, the passage of this ‘era’ in our family – with intentional family time, cocktails and curry and fond conversation about our lives together so far, and eager anticipation looking forward to what’s to come.
I’m sharing his excitement, helping him to feel ‘ready’ whilst down-playing to him just how much I will miss his everyday presence in our lives (I’m careful to ensure that I don’t talk about it too much – I want him to know that we are prepared for this too – that we’ll all be OK – it’s as it should be).
I’m practicing being ‘in the here and now’ - trying to savour and enjoy every ounce of the time we have, in the moment, whilst we have it (and no, this doesn’t mean that I have now reached a state of Zen-ness in my relationship with the Teen, I still get irritated when he leaves the light on, and will tell him!)
I’m practicing gratitude for having the privilege of this experience, one that others may only dream of.
I have given myself permission to take this opportunity to reconnect with my ‘self’, the new possibilities and exciting new-beginnings that can unfold as I have more energy, time and head-space to devote to exploring what I need and what I desire – on purpose.
I am seeing this as an opportunity not only to reconnect with myself, but also to reconnect with my husband and create new experiences and adventures together, with the freedom we now have as a couple, again
I know that other life ‘stuff’ will come along to create new stages and phases, some of which will be cool and very welcome, some of which will be smelly, which is one reason why I am committed to making this next phase intentionally enriched with MORE of the things that I want (and need) that bring me personal joy, satisfaction and fulfilment – filling the ‘gap’ with intentional things, rather than letting any old things creep and seep in.
There’s juicy, uplifting and transformational work to be done, and I’m so excited for ME too - it’s time now for me to moult and regrow my own flight feathers and kick-start my own mid-life metamorphosis - YAY!