Mastering the Art of Work-Life Balance (with inspiration from a Snail)
A question I often get asked, and have grappled with myself MANY times, is “how DO you build a sustainable work-life balance? What's THE formula?”
It's the holy grail for those of us who work and have other responsibilities and desires too.
And something I spent years trying to 'nail'.
And it can be a particular challenge in mid-life, when everything around us and within us (including but not limited to the big M) seems to be shifting, changing, and, let’s be honest, life feels like it’s dumping on us a bit sometimes.
Just when we thought maybe it would be ‘our’ time.
The Imbalance in Mid-life
Physically we might be doing all the things we used to do, but they’re all feeling that bit harder, and the wear and tear is beginning to show up in our joints!
AND we might be feeling saggy, bigger, less ‘attractive’ and maybe we don’t even know what clothes to wear any more. So we go bland and baggy.
Mentally we may have our jobs, and growing responsibility with it, and/or we may be seeking more fulfilment and meaning from the work we do, we may even be reaching a point of wanting to find employment, or self-employment, after a period of not working.
Emotionally we find ourselves dealing with kids starting school and then leaving school, and the leaving home (oh that Empty Nest thing I’ve mentioned once or twice!).
AND Peri-Meno/Menopause hormone storms (reverse puberty here we come!).
AND we may be facing relationship breakdowns, new financial pressures (You remember when endless karate uniform replacements felt like a burden? Just wait until you get to University & Cars – Yikes!).
AND we’ve probably got ageing parents who increasingly need our support and attention (got there early, that T-shirt is well worn here).
Emotional big-guns every single one.
Academic research shows that one of the biggest challenges for women in the middle years is ‘multiple co-occurring stressors”.
YUP!
That’ll be it!
No S*** Sherlock!
PLUS – We may also be gaining a growing awareness that our PERSONAL fulfilment has taken a hammering after the years of being the wife/mum/career employee/business owner – and there’s a pull within us that we want ‘more’ – more heart, soul, joy and enrichment – More satisfaction and contentment that comes straight from our inner-most self. Not for THEM, but for ME.
So it’s NO WONDER that this is a time of our lives when our sense of work/life balance can feel horribly ‘off’.
And it’s made me remember a few important things about balance:
What Balance Really Means
Firstly, it's not about spreading your 'time' evenly. I have so often been faced with juggling things in a myriad of ways to make sure I had enough 'time' for everything and nonetheless found myself struggling to attain that sense of balance. I somehow managed to fit all the things in (mostly) but was left feeling exhausted, drained, irritable, and permanently guilty for being 'there' but not 'fully present' in anything.
Nor is it balance a 'thing' you achieve or attain - it's a FEELING. Which is why sometimes (often!), even when everything looks great and adds up on paper, things can still feel massively off.
Neither is it a 'once and done' state of being, that when you've 'found' balance, you've cracked it forever. Just because you may have it today, doesn't mean the same ingredients and formula will still feel good tomorrow, or next week, or next year. Because it's a feeling, not only is your sense of balance affected by changes to your external circumstances (becoming parent, changing jobs, ill health, moving house, etc), it is also affected by your inner state, how many demands are being placed on you and how resilient you are feeling, and the interaction between all these things.
Thus what makes for good work-life balance is highly variable, not just between individuals, but for the same individual from one year to the next, from one week to the next. ESPECIALLY in the messy middle of life when it can feel at times as though EVERYTHNG is up in the air and trying to do anything is like trying to nail jelly to floor.
Which is why, BTW, Mid-life can feel so grim, unpredictable and like the worst, least fun, unbalanced roller-coaster in the world, ever... hormones AND all the other 💩)
Oh, and there's one more thing. And for me, and the women I work with, this is FUNDAMENTAL.
This Work-Life balance consideration usually misses one vital ingredient - and that's YOU.
When we think about work-life balance it is most often the external things we consider: how we will manage the demands of each of these areas in our lives within the time we have available.
What we far less often consider, if at all, is the energetic and emotional requirements placed upon us by each of these demands, our own personal needs and desires and the support, resources and energy we have to deal with all the things. Yet without taking account of these, it's WAY harder to create a true FEELING of balance.
So how DO you create a sustainable work-life balance, especially in the midst of all of these co-occurring stressors?
Is it even possible?
As I am known to do when I’m mulling over questions such as this, I decided to look to mother nature, to see if she had any insights to share. And so, as I walked across the water meadows I allowed my mind to wander as I pondered on the question “what makes for the holy grail of a balanced & contented life?” and I spotted a little snail moving around in the grass. I felt I wanted to watch her for a while (she will be known henceforth as Sheila!).
Insights From Nature (aka Sheila the Snail)
As I watched Sheila moving across, around and stretching from one plant to another, one grass blade to another, I noticed that she was continually adjusting the position of her shell in order to stay balanced.
It's the same in life, I thought to myself - to stay centred and to feel balanced we need to adapt, tweak, adjust how we do things, in order to meet our needs, desires and the demands placed upon us in any given moment.
I noticed too that Sheila held onto stems for just as long as she needed to, but she knew when to let go, in order that she could keep going without falling off.
And I realised that sometimes we can feel a need to hang onto things because they've helped us to feel balanced in the past - EVEN WHEN they don't seem to be working any more. Sometimes we need to let-go, to stop doing things, for a while at least, to allow a different way of doing things that works better for us in the here and now - even if it's only 'for now'.
Then I spied Sheila stopping for a drink of water (SO COOL – the nature nerd in me was mesmerised – I’ve never seen a snail slurp up a rain-drop before!!). She knew that she needed to nourish herself before she carried on, in order to stay well balanced and not lose energy or focus that might lead to her losing her footing.
And this is true for us too.
Yet, our own self-care, needs and desires are often forgotten in this complex and busy mix of Work and Life Stuff – but it’s THE MOST IMPORTANT thing.
Heads up…
THERE IS ZERO CHANCE OF FEELING BALANCE & CONTENTMENT IF WE DON'T TEND TO OUR OWN NEEDS & WANTS TOO!
So what did I learn from Sheila and my reflections about what makes for Work-Life balance?
What makes for a healthy and fulfilling Life-Balance?
Make sure YOU are factored into the equation first, on purpose. Get intentional about self-care, and know that the more you are resisting it, the more you likely need to be prioritising it. Schedule time for self-care, on purpose, or it won’t happen - especially when you feel you don’t have time, because that’s when you MOST need it!
Schedule time too for exploring your personal fulfilment. Get curious about the things that bring you joy and contentment, because the more of these you can make time for in your life, the more you will be creating that feeling of balance you crave.
Remember it's a FEELING to cultivate, not a hard and fast ‘thing’ to attain – so get to know what things help you feel that sense of balance, and the things that don’t, and try to do more of the former, and less of the latter – on purpose. This may be as simple as noticing that you always do all the cleaning, and you hate cleaning – so could you outsource it? Or task others in the house with doing their share, so you a) have more time for other things and b) have less time devoted to a thing you hate? (I’ve just started this process in my house!).
Treat it as an ongoing journey rather than a destination. When you realise that it’s never once and done and accept that it’s something that needs regular servicing and attention, it allows you to tweak and adjust accordingly, as the need arises, rather than keep trying to push through. This helps you to be open to new possibilities that may work better for you going forward (or just ‘for now’).
Be kind to yourself and adopt a ‘for now’ mantra. Sometimes things are just hard, and the tweak that is needed is just temporary to get you through a ‘glut’ of life/work stuff colliding. Maybe your ‘go to’ exercise and destress routine is no longer working for you – rather than keep pushing away and getting frustrated because it’s not having the desired effect, try something different ‘for now’. Maybe you can’t cope with as much work as you normally can, so rather than beat yourself up and run yourself ragged, try being kind to yourself and look at how you could either pare back on the amount of work you’re doing, OR allow yourself some grace to deliver to a slightly lesser standard than you’d normally like, ‘for now’.
Most of all, I’d love you to remember that to feel true balance, it’s Work-Life AND YOU!
NO-ONE (not even superstar you!) give all their energy and be all things, to all people, all of the time, for ever.
You deserve to be more than just an after-thought squeezed in amongst the other stuff.
It’s OK to prioritise yourself sometimes too - in fact it’s MANDATORY - you have my full permission.
It will work wonders for your feeling of balance (and with it your feelings of contentment, fulfilment and fun - and that radiates to everyone else around you).
What steps do you need to take so you can start feeling better balance in your life?
