Feeling the fear? Don’t let it write your next chapter…
It’s Halloween soon, and Samhain, an old gaelic festival honouring the changing of the seasons and also marking the time of year when it’s thought that the links between this world and the world of the dead were especially close, such that it was easier to commune with the dead. And this is where the spookiness we associate with Samhan and Halloween stems from.
So, it’s a celebration of sorts that allows us to into the ‘darkness’ a little bit. A time when we embrace a little bit of fear for entertainment!
It got me thinking about ‘fear’ (a subject very close to my heart at the moment!).
Feeling the Fear
And it brought back a memory.
When I was small, every Saturday we used to travel from Gateshead, where lived, to Durham to see my lovely Grandma and Grandad. And every Saturday early evening we would sit together and watch Doctor Who.
I say ‘watch’, but mostly I was hiding behind the sofa, peeking now and again if I dared.
My grandad would say “Eee, hinny, you duvan’t have to watch it if you’re too scared, we can turn it off man!”
But I never wanted him to turn it off.
Because I was a little bit excited too.
My imagination was fuelled.
I wanted to know that the baddies were zapped and the goodies were in charge really.
And most of all, I wanted to know what happened next!
I just couldn’t quite face looking at it up close. I wanted a screen and a safe bolt-hole if it all got ‘too much’.
(I still feel the same now about Doctor Who, Psychological Thrillers and Horror Films!).
But this got me thinking about how fear shows up in life too.
How fear shows up
We can see things that we need or desire (a day to ourselves, a really exciting idea for a business venture, a new relationship, a career change, it might even simply be a new hobby) but we can hold ourselves back from pursuing those things.
And more often than not it’s fear that’s stopping us.
We worry that we’ll fail, it’ll be embarrassing, we’ll be judged, we’ll lose EVERYTHING, we won’t be accepted, things won’t be good enough, WE won’t be good enough.
We hide behind the comfort and safety of the known quantity and the familiar.
We keep ourselves ‘safe’ by playing small, not rocking the boat. We procrastinate and delay. We get stuck in a loop of convincing ourselves that we’re not good enough, that we’re being silly, and a dreamer and ‘who do I think I am to have/do this?’ or (my favourite) that we’re ‘too old’ (!!!!).
We tell ourselves we’ll ‘make time for ourselves and ‘it’ WHEN…this or that happens”
OR
“I’ll wait UNTIL… all my ducks are lined up/I feel ready/the kids have left home/we’ve moved house …THEN I’ll…”
FEAR!
ALL of it. (Probably).
And I should know, because I have been here MANY times, with fear sitting in my pocket.
Understanding Fear
In fact, I’m sitting here in fear right now, as I write this because I’m making potentially big decisions and super stretchy steps in my business. And it feels scary. Stomach-churning-feel-a-bit-sick kind of scary.
But I am choosing to trust and believe that this fear is not really founded in reality.
I know that the risks are far smaller than it FEELS.
Because I’ve been here before.
I left a safe corporate job to leap into the unknown. Not once, but twice.
This experience, along with many others since, and a tonne of mindset and inner-work over the years to understand and work with fear, has helped me lean into the knowledge that if I fail, it doesn’t make me a failure. That if people judge me, that’s their issue, not mine. That if things don’t work out, I can trust myself to move forward. That I am worthy of investing in me and my business, because if I don’t, I can’t do all the things I want to do or help all the people I want to help.
It also helps me to know that this is how it feels when I am stepping out of my comfort zone and into my value of courage: embracing rather than running away from the unknown: trusting and believing even without the ‘hard’ evidence or the confidence that can only come from doing the thing (that requires committing to wearing ‘big-girl-pants’ (and always ‘before’ you’re ready!).
I also know that this is what it feels like to make a financial and time investment in ‘myself. Which as women, we tend to find super hard.
Don’t let being scared be the thing that stops you
But just because I ‘know’ all these things and have done (and continue to do) the inner-work doesn’t mean it doesn’t still feel scary.
It just means I am more able to see the fear for what it is. And I am working hard on my emotions and my mindset to make sure that those fears don’t stop me from taking the steps I need to take to get me where I want to be.
Like they have so many times before.
I remind myself of the times when I have shown courage.
I remind myself that if you’re not failing at something, you’re not living.
And that it’s not really failure anyway, it’s learning.
And learning is not always comfortable.
Failing is not trying.
Failing is burying your needs and desires.
Failing is giving up when things get hard, even though you still have the fire in your belly.
Now – there’s a definite caveat here.
Sometimes we DO need to listen - with intention.
I’m not saying that ALL fear is fear that we should ‘ignore, push through or quieten’.
Sometimes fear IS telling us something real and true.
Sometimes it’s telling us that now really is NOT the time. That we really DON’T have time/energy/headspace/money to take this risk/invest in a coach/sign-up for the training/quit our job – even if we REALLY want the thing (in which case let the desire for the ultimate thing help you take the action you need to get you to a place where you CAN invest in/have the thing).
Sometimes it’s a flag that we need to learn more and understand more before we make a final decision, because maybe we genuinely don’t have all the facts to make a decision, or the knowledge or skills to do the thing we want to do (in which case we take a different course of action first, and then come back to the thing).
And sometimes the ‘cost’ to others of us doing the thing may lead us to choose to prioritise the needs of others and delay what we want to do – but make it a conscious choice, not one driven by fear of what they may think or of letting them down.
Feel the Fear, unpack it, then decide - don’t let fear decide for you!
In a nutshell – if you’re feeling stuck and finding that you’re not making the progress you’d like, or you just seem to be getting in our own way by procrastinating, talking yourself out of things all the time - it’s quite likely that fear is loitering somewhere. Don’t let fear on its own be the thing that decides what you do (or don’t do) next.
Don’t stay hiding through fear.
Get curious, unpack it and be intentional.
If you do it, do it inspite of the fear.
If you don’t do it, make sure you’re not doing it for a tangible reason.
Because whilst stepping up and stretching yourself can feel super scary and hard - I also know that standing still can feel pretty sucky too (been there too!).
Maybe this is striking a chord with you, and you feel ready to go all-in on ‘you’ and turn your fear into freedom and fulfilment? In which case I’d LOVE to help you get out from behind the sofa and find out what happens next!
Send me a message and let’s have an informal chat (with a real or a virtual cuppa).
