Why digging deeper is the key to unearthing the REAL thing that’s keeping you emotionally stuck when nothing seems to be working!

When you’re feeling emotionally stuck about something, especially when you’re feeling like you’re going round in circles or not really getting to the point where you feel like you’ve let go or moved on from a situation (even though you feel like you’ve tried ‘all the things’ and you ‘should’ be feeling better by now) the advice, like the title of this blog, is often to ‘dig deep’ and ‘get curious’ with your emotions and thoughts.

But what does it mean?

What are you digging for?

Why do you need to go deep?

Why do you need to be curious?

You know what the problem is, right?

So isn’t getting more embroiled in it just going to make it even worse?

Why we need to dig deeper to get unstuck

The thing is – you probably do know what the problem is, but it’s also likely not exactly what you think.

Often ‘the’ thing that we think it is, is actually a layer of a thing on top of or attached to something else that turns out to be the REAL thing that’s causing us the upset or resentment or stuck-ness, or whatever it is.  

And I’m pretty sure that you DO have the knowledge within you of what the REAL thing is, you may just not be aware of it yet.

Here’s where the Blackbird analogy comes in…

What Blackbirds can teach us

Blackbirds are ground feeders, and as ground feeders they could just take a look around, graze what they can see on the surface and flit off to another patch of ground and take what’s on the surface.  And that could be all fine and dandy.

BUT – they’d be missing out on the juiciest, most nutritious meal, which is hiding from view below the surface of the grass, in the rich soil, where the worms and grubs hang out. 

If you watch Blackbirds (which I thoroughly recommend you do, most gardens in the UK have visiting Blackbirds – who, btw, like many wild things may need a little extra help with food and water at the moment in these snowy chilly times) you will see that they often stand very still with their head cocked at an angle: they are listening for signs of life in and under the grass/soil.  They might snack a fly from the top, or they might locate the sounds of a wriggle, and use their beak to delve into the ground and pull out a lovely stringy, tasty worm that will give them much more nourishment.

And that’s what the nudge of coaching to get digging and get curious is seeking to help you do. 

To get past the in-your-face snacks and into the harder to find main meal!

Channelling your inner ‘blackbird’ by getting curious, delving deep & listening to what’s underneath could therefore be the way forward to get to the hearty main course of the matter.

It works like this…

Take a client who recently was sharing how she was STILL struggling (her words, not mine) to deal with the grief of losing a family member. She was beginning to feel frustrated at how stuck she felt with her grief, and how it was now getting in the way of her enjoying life.

We talked about how there’s no defined time-line, that everyone goes through grief at different rates in different ways, that it’s not a once and done event, it comes and goes, and that even after a really long time, she may still experience random triggers that will spark the tears.

And she knows all that.

But something about it just wasn’t quite making sense.

It wasn’t explaining for her why she was still feeling as deeply upset as she was, because she felt in many ways that she has begun to learn to live with her grief to a level that didn’t match the upset she was still feeling.

So, I asked what was really going on.

And she sat in silence for a brief few moments, tuning into her inner-wisdom, and then said “it’s just that I think my routine has gone – and I miss that.  I’d have my week mapped out, and every Friday me and my dad would go and see my grandad, and now we’re not doing that – and I miss it.”

So she’s missing the structure that routine gave to her week?

Getting curious, and digging some more – why?

Is it the change in routine he’s missing?

Or…

Is it in fact the time with her dad that she had every Friday that she’s missing.

So I asked her that.

And that’s when the tears started to flow.

In my experience tears come when we’re close to the heart of the matter.  When we’ve uncovered a truth that resonates.

(That’s why I celebrate tears!)

And that’s when I KNEW that we’d struck gold.

Because not only does she now have a better understanding of why she’s feeling so upset (which always feels better, even when it’s something difficult), she has realised that she can probably do something to change the situation – by talking to her dad, and maybe creating a new routine that will allow her to connect with someone she loves, and bring some joy back.  Things that are so important to our wellbeing.

Without the digging – she could have been stuck believing that she was simply failing to move on from the death of her beloved grandad. And she may well have been stuck in that pattern for a long, long time.

Instead she said “Thank you for always bringing out the upset inside that I never knew was there” (which I think was a compliment- I’m taking it!!).

Simple steps to getting unstuck

So if you’re feeling stuck in an emotional or psychological loop, try channelling your inner Blackbird and ask yourself, is there more to it?  What else could be going on to make you feel the way you’re feeling – beyond what seems obvious?

Ten minutes with some peace and quiet, alone, with a journal, a pen and an open and curious mind is often all it takes. 

So next time you’re feeling stuck - remember to dig deeper and see what comes up, you might surprise yourself!

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