Shining a light on excuses: The difference between reasons and excuses (and the importance of being kind to yourself regardless).

This week, following a thought provoking conversation with a friend, I found myself reflecting on what makes an excuse an excuse, rather than a genuine ‘reason’, and does it make a difference in terms of how you go about holding yourself to account when you haven’t done something you’ve committed to and/or you’re holding back from making some changes in life that you desire.

The conversation had turned to the frustration and disappointment she was feeling about not making more ‘progress’ in her business. Someone who is mentoring my friend in this area of her life has been leaving her feeling that she ‘should’ be able to do all the things she is wanting to do, DESPITE the demands of family life and teenagers, and feeling under the weather physically, it being dark and grey in winter, blah de blah –

The facts are that she has been dealing with difficult emotional situations at home, leaving her feeling drained AND she is experiencing menopausal symptoms, not sleeping well, and struggling with the Winter Blues, and this has been leaving her feeling she has not enough left in her tank to tackle some of the challenging things she needs to do in her business

Conversations along these lines with her mentor was leading her to believe that all these things were ‘excuses’ and that, in short, if she wanted to get the results she wants in her business, she ‘should’ be prioritising it more, and because she feels she has not been able to adequately give energy to it, she is currently failing, and using her energy drain as an excuse.

And that really didn’t sit well with me - she was, I felt, being super hard on herself.

But for most of us it’s often not simple.

Most of us have lives which are intertwined with the lives of others in our world - partners, work colleagues, children, parents, friends - all of whom have their own needs and desires, within which we need to fit, and for whom we may carry some social and family responsibility, especially if we have people who depend on us (children, elderly parents, ill family members) and for whom we want to show up as the dependable, supportive, loving and caring person that we are.

We can find ourselves conflicted, and that some of these daily demands on us impact our capacity to deliver on certain other things. And whilst we can put things in place to reduce these impacts (setting clear boundaries, making sure that we take account of our needs too), life is full of complexity and nuance, and relationships that require give and take, flexibility and compromise.

In other words, not every time that we fail to do things is it because we are prioritising ‘badly’ or ‘making excuses’ for our action/inaction. And I suggested that perhaps all the things my friend was talking about were reasons, rather than excuses.

So, what’s the difference, and why does it matter?

What are Excuses

I think it essentially comes down to whether the reason we are giving to ourselves or others is ‘true’ or ‘false’ and how in alignment with our core values we are acting/being.

A reason is an explanation for why we did/didn’t do something, or why we behaved in a certain way and so on.

An excuse is a ‘false’ reason: an explanation that we offer that ‘masks’ the true reason. It’s not unusual for us to give ‘false’ reasons to others when we don’t want to share the ‘real’ reason - either because it makes us feel vulnerable, or because we fear being judged, or because we don’t want to hurt or upset the other person.

For example - maybe you tell a friend that you’re feeling under the weather and not feeling well enough to meet up today, (false reason) when the genuine reason is that you have just had a really difficult situation crop up which has completely thrown you, you’re not sure how you feel about it, and you’re not ready to talk about with this friend. In this situation, we are aware ourselves of the real underlying reason we don’t want to meet up, we’ve just chosen not to share that with this friend, at this point in time.

Things get more complex when we are thinking about how we percieve our OWN actions and choices in relation to things we are desiring and striving for, when we are not seeing the changes we desire.

When we are feeling stuck, or failing to make the progress we desire with a change or along a path to something we desire, it helps to know whether we are ‘making excuses’ for our lack of perceived progress, or whether there are genuine reasons impacting our ability to take the actions needed. Because it determines how you deal with the situation you find yourself in.

Making Excuses -vs- Giving Sound Reason?

It can be difficult to discern within ourselves whether there are genuine reasons for lack of progress, for which we need to cut ourselves some slack, and when we are making an excuse for our lack of action - partly because we can fall into the trap of feeling that there is always a choice, and by virtue of this, we have ‘chosen’ lack of progress and could have done ‘more’ to ensure that we had made progress in spite of all the things being thrown at us - simply by prioritising the thing we desire more, intentionally giving it more time, and more focus.

For sure, we can always make different choices in life, and every choice we make is a choice not to do something else.  Everything we prioritise in that moment is a decision not to prioritise something else.

In simple terms, I know lack of time is a common excuse. Lots of people use it, I know I have.

It’s more often than not code for “I didn’t prioritise X”.

For example: we might say that the reason we didn’t do the 30 minute online yoga class we’d said we would go to is because we didn’t have time. Time is rarely the genuine issue, though, it is more often a case of priorities. We can say that we didn’t have time, but truthfully it’s because we simply didn’t give it the priority it needed for us to make the time. Maybe we were avoiding it because we know it will be uncomfortable (and the thought of having to wash our hair afterwards is tedious) and so we spent longer than we needed to finishing a blog we were writing, or decided to clean the kitchen which ‘needed doing’. The truth is we did have time. The real reason was we didn’t prioritise it, even though we knew it was something we needed. We were avoiding doing it because we knew it would feel hard even though we want to be the sort of person who looks after her health and wellbeing. This reasoning of lack of time is a cover-up! And one that warrants a calling out for ‘making excuses’. In this case, do you need to look at another form of exercise that would be more motivating for you? Would a different time of day work better? Or are there other measures you can take to set yourself up for success, like putting your exercise clothes out ready? Or buying a lovely shampoo and conditioner that you will look forward to using?

However, it’s not that simple.

Not prioritising something isn’t NECESSARILY a sign that you’re terrible at time management or that you’re avoiding something, or that you’re not treating it as important to you.

Let’s take another look at the skipped class ‘no time’ example.

What if, instead of it being the case that you were psychologically avoiding the class and filling time doing other things that didn’t really ‘need’ doing and sabotaging yourself in the process, you had underestimated how long an earlier meeting would take, and then maybe the traffic getting home was terrible and by the time you arrived home there was a need for the children to be fed and put to bed, before you headed out to support the friend whose life has just turned upside down. In this instance, lack of time is shorthand for the fact that you had less time available to you than you had planned for AND you chose to prioritise looking after your children, and supporting your friend - both extremely important to you - with the more limited time you had available. These were reasons that fully aligned with your values, an intentional choice that you made, and which you would not change if you faced the same situation again. These were genuine reasons why you skipped the class, NOT a mask for another, deeper underlying reason.

It doesn’t mean you don’t consider your yoga important. It doesn’t mean that you don’t prioritise yourself. It just means that on this day, in these circumstances, there were some things outside of your control, and some things that were EVEN MORE important.

And this is important to realise, if we are to avoid beating ourselves up for simply living according to our values. Life is complicated, and often there are conflicts between different areas of our lives such that some things don’t get done, different priorities are made for very sound reasons, with not an ‘excuse’ in sight.

And only you know deep down what is ‘genuine’ and what is ‘false’.

You get to decide.

And, excuses or not…

Be kind to yourself when you feel like you’re falling short…

I think it is important to self-reflect, and to identify whether we are avoiding doing something and we’re telling ourselves it’s for a valid reason, when really it’s because we just can’t be bothered, or we’re fearful of failure/judgement/being vulnerable, or we know it’s going to be difficult and we’re delaying tackling it.

Because if we truly want something, and we’re holding ourselves back for reasons about which we can do something, then it helps to be aware, and to take action to do the difficult things anyway, from a place of love.

But for me there is a chasm of difference between something not happening because we’re sabotaging ourselves in some way, and it not happening because our reserves have been depleted and we just don’t have the emotional, energetic or mental bandwidth to do it – today.

And yes, there are things we can do to help ensure that our reserves don’t get depleted and/or to nourish them, AND we can set ourselves boundaries about how we let others impact our reserves – AND… we can STILL find ourselves facing periods of life when we just don’t have the space to prioritise something we are wanting and trying to do, in the way that we want to do it. 

Because other equally or more important things are calling on us.

That’s life.

And it does come down to values a little – so my friend could choose to ignore her family’s needs and seek to prioritise her other thing. Of course she could.

But does the fact that she chooses not to do this, because she places value on family and her role as a wife and mum over ‘here’, mean that in making this choice she is making excuses for why she’s doing less/achieving less over ‘there’?

NO!

They’re values aligned reasons, that have an impact on her mental and emotional energy.  And this in turn affects how able she feels to show up to do these other things.

These are REASONS why it’s hard to juggle all the things.

They’re REASONS that mean we are invited to respond to life’s plot twists, and maybe adjust our ‘expectations’ about what it is possible for us to achieve TODAY.   We can still believe and decide that we get to have and do what we desire, AND for it to happen ‘sometime soon’ rather than TODAY, or tomorrow or next week.

They’re not excuses.

And so I came away with big questions about what an excuse really is, and an irritation that we are so often lead down a road of ‘stop making excuses’ for why things haven’t happened (yet), with no real regard for the context or allowance for sound ‘reasons’.

Now don’t misunderstand me.  It’s right to call out excuse making if it’s sabotaging things you are desiring in life.

BUT if your reasons for not getting to the doing the things that will get you where you want to be, as often as you’d like, are sitting slap bang in the middle of your values, and other responsibilities that you take seriously (that your Teen is going through a very challenging period and you’re feeling drained from the seemingly constant battles such that it’s taking all your reserves to show up without shouting, and you are feeling drained) – that’s not making excuses.  That’s just being acknowledging and accepting of the situation as it is today, in full alignment, and these are REASONS why you have not been able to be fully present elsewhere.

And you may want to ask yourself what you need, in order to refuel; or whether there is a different way you can deal with the demands being made of you, that are still values aligned but feel less draining for you, so you have more capacity, that’s great, get curious, and make some changes if you can – it still doesn’t make your reasons ‘excuses’.  

Maybe the demands on you from others and your environment mean that the expectations you have of what you can achieve right now are not realistic – this isn’t an excuse, it’s being honest about your capacity and support.   Perhaps adjust your expectations and the demands you are placing on yourself, FOR NOW, from a place of self-compassion.

Give yourself permission to have genuine reasons

As women, we are so prone to beating ourselves up about everything.

We are flooded with messages from ‘out there’ that we need to always take personal responsibility, that anything is possible, and we just need to stop making excuses for why things haven’t happened yet. Own it badass!

There is some truth to this.  But it’s not the whole picture.

Yes, we need to take personal responsibility for our actions and the choices we make, for sure, but this doesn’t mean compromising our values in order to fit in with an overly simplified way of viewing the world that says simply ‘prioritise one thing over and over all other things, all of the time’ in order to get traction and be successful.  Most of us have lives that don’t fit neatly into a box that will allow us to do this, without being a complete and utter D**k.

Nor does it account for values based or emotional/energetic/psychological REASONS why we may not always have the capacity, because it doesn’t account for the impact of others or our environment on us.

So if you are beating yourself up not being where you wanted to be AND for making excuses for not being where you want to be (even though they’re probably valid reasons).

STOP IT!

There’s nowt to be gained from bashing yourself over the head.

Just give yourself permission to get curious.

And Be Nice!

Accept that maybe there will be some excuses in there, and deal with them appropriately.

But also allow yourself to believe and trust that there will be sound, values aligned explanations to.

The first step is to dig into whether you ARE actually making excuses, or whether you are being super hard on yourself because actually there are genuine reasons you are not where you want to be.

Questions to ask yourself to work out of it’s reasons or excuses…

It comes down to whether you are a) being honest with yourself and b) whether you are acting in a values aligned way.

So, instead of telling yourself “I should have prioritised that more today” or “I need to stop making excuses”, start from a place of both curiosity and self-compassion, and ask yourself:

• Is what I am telling myself 100% true?  If not, in what way might it not be true?

• What am I afraid of?

• What would be the honest, authentic and truthful thing to say to myself be?

• What would my best friend say to me?

• In what way have the choices I have made today been aligned with my values?”

• How did I feel today? Why?

• How would I have needed to feel to be able to do what I haven’t done?

• What got in the way of me feeling like that?  What could I have done to create that feeling, given the situation I found myself in today?

• Thinking about the thing I am aiming for, what’s one, small, aligned action I have taken today? (hint: this could include tending to your own wellbeing needs!)

• What one small thing could I do tomorrow that might get me 1% closer to what I’m trying to achieve?

When you’ve gone through these questions - consider:

1. Do you still feel like you are making excuses?  In which case, what will you do differently?

2. Did you come to the conclusion that there are values aligned and genuine physiological, psychological and emotional reasons as you why you are where you are? In which case, how might you be able to take a different approach to help support you going forward, whilst still staying true to your values? (this could include more self-compassion, adjusting your expectations, reviewing boundaries, asking for external help and support, working on acceptance of the situation, for now, or letting go of the ‘timelines’ on the thing for a while).

Does this help?

I also feel compelled to tell you that the other person who guiding my friend in this story, btw…. is someone younger, so not dealing with menopausal issues, and has no real responsibilities in life, other than herself and her business.  She’s in a new relationship (isn’t that always the fun part?!), so no husband with mid-life malaises on the scene, no children, no pets, no ageing parents….

And it makes me cross that my friend feels ‘judged’ and is judging herself, by someone who has no comprehension, or empathy it seems, for how it feels to be in her shoes.

Question for you: Is any reason we give for not taking action on a given day towards achieving something we are committed to an ‘excuse’?  Or is life more complicated than that? Let me know what you think!