Why I NEVER set New Year Resolutions (& what I do instead!)

What are your thoughts on “New Year Resolutions”?

Have you set some for yourself?

Do you do it every year, without fail?

Do you resist?

Do they work for you?

Or are they a perpetual disappointment and source of self-flagellation because a few weeks in you are falling ‘behind’, and it all just feel TOO hard – so you give up?

Me?

I HATE them!

I NEVER make any.

And here’s why…

When I have tried in the past, I never end up sticking to them!

Then I feel bad about myself.

And if you look at the research, that sad fact is true for the vast majority of people who set themselves resolutions at the start of the year (and you only need to look at the dwindling attendance at gyms to know that what I say is true!!)

I have a few things to say about why this happens.

Here’s why ‘Resolutions’ don’t work

• The first is that whilst it seems like a great time to ‘start over’ and make changes in our lives, often what’s at the forefront of this great urge is an over-indulgence over the festive period, and the distinct slobbery that goes with it (or is that just me?!): so we feel compelled to compensate for this, and we suddenly feel a need to prioritise our health & wellbeing – so we pile in with a list of things we’re going to do from 1st Jan – that will transform our life!

So, we are essentially guilting ourselves into taking action – which is rarely a sound basis for a sustainable change, and often it’s ‘grand gestures’ that are not fully thought through…

• Secondly, we don’t understand enough about ‘will power”.  We set our resolution, thinking that this alone is enough to get us through the habit change.  We somehow think that just by telling ourselves that we are resolved to do this, that this will be enough to motivate us.    
  
  What we don’t then do is consider all the reasons why we might find it difficult.  We overlook the fact that when we’re back at work, getting to the gym 4 times a week might start feeling like a struggle because the demands of our work, family and other commitment start to ‘get in the way’. 

We may also not be aware that will-power requires a conscious effort from our brain, and as this effort is mixed in with all the other will-power demands during our day (the nagging toddler, the complaining customer, the ‘bad day at work’), we can find that we have emptied our will-power battery by the time it comes to go to the gym.

And because we haven’t thought about these things, we don’t have a mindset back-up plan to help us deal with these things, and to support us in leaning into the struggle, and working through it.

Then when we miss a session or two (which IS going to happen, trust me, you’re human), BAM!

Our resolution is broken.

We then feel bad, so we decide we’ve failed. And then we think “what’s the point in struggling on, I’ve blown it now anyway?”

• Lastly, it’s all in the word. I often talk about the importance of words, because I truly believe they really do matter. And ‘resolution’ - it’s such a RIGID word.  And this links to the previous point.  There is no ‘wiggle room’ or allowance for a bad week with a Resolution. 
  
  The definition of Resolution is:

“A firm decision to do or not do something”

So, when we fail to do (or not do) the thing that we have stated we will or won’t do, even if it’s just once, we feel like we’ve broken that resolution.  It’s terminal, final, game over.

At least, that’s what our brain tells us!  And that feeling adds to the growing desire to give up.

Any of this sound familiar?

So am I saying that as resolutions clearly suck, there’s no point trying to make plans for changes for the good of our health and wellbeing?

Absolutely NOT!

But I AM saying “Out with Resolutions and IN with Intentions, Commitments and Goals!”

If you’ve been in my world you will already know that I am a firm believer that we need to look after our mental and physical health, with great intention and on purpose.

HOWEVER - I just don’t believe hard resolutions are the way to do it for sustainable change – at least not for most of us (there is a hard core of 25% of resolution setters who say they keep them…).

Here’s what I recommend instead.

Tap into the power of Intentions, Commitments and Actions

Set broad intentions with clear purpose, supported by more specific goals (with timelines for guidance) and backed up by a clear commitment to yourself.

It’s semantics, perhaps, but I believe that intentions are broader, and less ‘demanding’ that a ‘resolution’.  And this sets you up for success by leaving much more scope for plans to be adapted, flexed and changed in response to the shifting and fluctuating demands on you, without it feeling like you are falling behind or failing.

Which makes it less likely that you will beat yourself up on those weeks that are more troublesome for whatever reason, and more likely that you won’t give up when you have a ‘bad’ week. 

Being rigid about ‘having’ to do something by a specific date tends to set you up to fail.

And, a key thing that often gets overlooked, before you get started on your intentions for THIS year, make sure that you’ve properly finished with, reflected on last year - letting go of anything that didn’t work for you and celebrating the things that did!

That’s the route to sustainable change (imho)!

My start to 2023…

So that’s why we’re at the end of the second week of January…and I am still merrily (mostly) easing my way into the month, tuning out all the hustly-bustly talk of “New Year/New You and let’s hit the ground running as fast as we can…” with the the jumping up and down excitement and clapping of the hands with a ra-ra-ra and “let’s MAX out the time we have this year and get going NOW!” – YAY, Whoop Whoop!!”

Not for me. I’ll do things at my own pace thank you!

Instead – I have given myself the breathing space to:

• Allow 2022 to actually finish before I spent time reflecting back on the year, and what worked for me last year, and what didn’t. 

• Spend time journalling on the things that didn’t work so well to understand what was behind it, with a compassionate hat on – which allowed me to forgive myself for not ‘achieving’ what I wanted to achieve, and let go of the feelings of frustration, failure, disappointment, shame – so I can learn how I can do things differently this coming year, rather than give myself lashings for all the things I didn’t manage do!

• Celebrate the things that went well – and taking the learning from those things too, to help me with the other things that didn’t!

• Pay attention to appreciating the good things from this year, feeling my gratitude.

• Dream and vision all the NEW things I want to bring in and strive for this year, starting with how I want this year to FEEL and the energy I want to bring to the year.  And this is supported by choosing my “What 3 Words” for the year (I can never settle on just one!) – which for me this year are Light, Simplify and Gutsy!

(if you want to have a go you can take the ‘simplify’ route and without overthinking it just browse a list of words and pick the ones that most resonate with you as you read through - OR - if you are super keen and want to take your time and really feel into what will support you this year, taking a few days to do it, you could try Susannah Conway’s Word of the Year (check out susannahconway.com/word/ - (sorry having a spot in t’internet trouble this afternoon and can’t seem to add a live link))

And from all of this I am beginning to identify the specific INTENTIONS I am setting, the supporting GOALS, and COMMITMENT to aligned actions I am making to myself for the tings that I would like to do and achieve this year to get better at this whole prioritising ME, my self-care and daring to dream big malarky…

Here’s how to get intentional about your intentions!...

Make some time, find a comfy spot where you can have some headspace to yourself, and start tuning inwards…(sometimes in the bath can be a good bet!!!)

1.     Tune into what I really want for yourself this year, and that’s your general INTENTION – and then and ask yourself WHY. Because if we’re clear about WHY we want to do something, and it really connects with a feeling we desire, we are MUCH more likely to see it through and keep going when things get sticky (which they almost always do!). 

For example, I have a broad intention to lose some weight and build up my core strength and the strength in my hip through exercise and physio BECAUSE pain in my hip is currently stopping me from doing some of the things I really love (ballet, long hikes and walks up hills, sitting cross legged, which is all contributing to a downward spiral of decreasing fitness, and will ultimately not only create physical problems, but psychological wellbeing too).  Plus, I don’t want to find myself unnecessarily limited in life, and having to have consider procedures like Steroid Injections or Surgery.

2.     Then support the intention with specific goals that will set you up for success and move you forward, which might include getting help and support.  The goals are used as navigational guidance to help you make progress and keep you on track.  They are not meant to be used as sticks to beat yourself up if you don’t manage it quite when you thought you would.  So, if you set a timeline, use it as something to aim for and a guide, NOT as a specific point by when you MUST have achieved The Thing.  For me, this looks like:

a.     Scheduling a Friday morning yoga class (and committing to attending them all – but being flexible so that if I CHOOSE that there is a different priority one week, or I’m unwell - that’s OK – i.e. If I miss a class, it doesn’t mean I’ve ‘failed’).

b.     Sourcing and signing-up up for physio support for my hip (January)

c.     Identifying and DOING strengthening exercises at home (one I’ve seen the physio)

d.     Get out for more walks every week (aim for 3* decent walks each week)

(*I could say that I will get out every day for a walk, but I know that this is unlikely to happen.  If I aim for 3, that’s very achievable and if I do more, that’s great! Opportunity tocCelebrate!)

3.     Once you are clear about your intentions (including your why) and the goals that will help you fulfil those intentions, make a solid commitment to yourself that you will take ACTION aligned to those intentions and supporting goals).  If you feel you want to, tell someone else too – because that adds a layer of accountability (which is also a nudge for you to hold firm in your commitment).  Your words of the year can also help to ensure that you stay on track in a way that FEELS good to you this year!

Does this resonate with you?

What intentions and goals around your self-care and fulfilment are you committing to this year? 

Do you need to some help?

Might be time to get your mits on my weekly(ish) bundle of Weekend Wisdom (aka newsletter full of juicy psychology and nature inspired wellbeing goodness) to nudge you to start living your life with your wellbeing and fulfilment at the heart, on purpose.

Until next time!