3 simple strategies for seeking out & slaying the self-esteem saboteur story teller of our mind
I love a good story.
I am an avid reader.
I adore a great play or film.
As a child I used to totally lose myself into the imagined worlds of Enid Blyton and later the Bronte sisters, Jane Austin and even Tolstoy!
These days I love a gritty crime or detective novel, or books that explore the human condition (tell me a good story that doesn’t) - especially if they’re slightly quirky!
But I’d like to tell you another tale.
A tale of stories that have hugely influenced my life, without me even being aware.
And these are the stories about me told to me by my thoughts, that create the beliefs I have about me.
On good day, they’re uplifting, motivational and feel good.
But for years and years I didn’t have that many good days.
For years these stories were mostly pretty repetitive, boring or unhelpful stories.
Sometimes they were positively destructive.
The worst ones were the stories of why I’m not good enough.
Stories of why I will fail (and how awful it will be when I do!)
Stories of not belonging.
Of not being important, so my needs don’t matter as much as everyone else’s.
Stories about it not being ‘OK’ to be ‘me’.
Stories can stifle joy & fulfilment
These stories didn’t stop me achieving (I climbed the corporate HR ladder and had a ‘successful’ HR career for almost 20 years; I have two Masters Degrees) BUT they did top me from reaching for my dreams. They kept me from living my life in the way that I really wanted to live it, in a way that felt truly aligned, authentic and that lit me up and made me sparkle.
So they kept me stuck and putting up with a life that wasn’t really one I truly LOVED or felt excited about.
I felt a low level constant niggle of discontent and unhappiness and a persistent whisper telling me there was ‘more’ and ‘better’ for me ‘out there’.
And that lead to more stories about how I wasn’t grateful, or appreciative enough of the things that I had.
And how I was being indulgent for wanting to create a life that felt colourful, authentic and deeply meaningful.
And so then I felt guilty for wanting things to be different.
A vicious cycle of never ending negative story telling.
And this kind of story telling doesn’t have a happy ending.
It’s not fun to watch.
It’s not even educational.
And it left me feeling lost, stuck, thoroughly fed up and somehow ‘at odds’ with the life I was in. And like a slightly deflated and abandoned balloon.
There’s power in story
Knowing your stories can change them
Surfacing these stories, getting to know them really well, and then killing them off (or at least rewriting them), has been extremely powerful in allowing me to step into an aligned life, where I feel connected and more able to shine my light, my way.
I’ve travelled my own journey of psychological and emotional discovery, which has been nurtured and supported by all of the evidence based psychological approaches I have learnt and use in own coaching practice, some support from my own coach, and some deep nature connection along the way.
Understanding that these stories are not FACT, means that you become aware that you can rewrite the things you tell yourself to make them more helpful to you.
It helps you to be more intentional about the stories you choose to listen to
It makes you more aware that you can be totally in control of the stories you choose to believe about yourself. And choose to believe ones that are encouraging, nurturing and compassionate, rather than the ones that are forever causing you to berate, belittle and bludgeon yourself over the head with!
Any time you feel you are stuck and holding yourself back from doing something your whisper is telling you to do (whether that’s taking time out of the busyness for ‘you’ or taking the first step to getting your first client/dream job or up-levelling to the next big thing) - try one (or all!) of these things:
3 strategies for shifting negative stories
1. Contemplate over a cuppa (or beverage of your choice). - Pay attention to and notice what you are you telling yourself (e.g. “I notice that I’m telling myself I can’t do this” or “I notice that I keep putting off ‘x’” or “every time I think about ‘x’ I feel anxious/fearful”). Then just get curious - “Interesting, I wonder what that’s all about?/I wonder why I’m telling myself that?” Try to tune into what you are thinking, and, more importantly, to how you are feeling. (Hint - it’s probably fear of a feeling that’s driving your story!).
2. Journaling -pause, grab a pen and pencil and start scribbling. You can either just do a stream of consciousness brain-dump (where you just write for 10 minutes, or for 2 sides of A-4 or whatever you decide) . Or you can journal your answers as you get curious.
The key here is not to judge or evaluate what you are writing. Just allow your thoughts and feelings to come up and out. Just observe and notice.
And here’s number three -and it’s one of my ‘secret’ ingredients….
3. Ask Nature - if, like me, you love spending time in nature, you can often tune into your deeper thoughts and feelings just by sitting in nature and allowing your thoughts to flow. So find a quiet spot somewhere quiet, where you won’t be interrupted, and just allow you mind to slow, and tune into your surroundings. Then, with your broad question in mind (e.g. “I’ve noticed that I keep holding myself back, what’s that all about? “) - and then just allow you mind to wander, ponder and contemplate. Enjoy the sensation of just ‘being’ and see what flows out. I am passionate about the deeper benefits we get from nature connection in terms of getting to know ourselves better.
Time to Re-write your story
Once you’ve rooted out your saboteur, it’s time to say bye-bye to it and to write it out of your story, introducing a more helpful character instead.
So ask yourself these questions:
is this really 100% true?
what evidence do I have that this is not true?
what would be a more helpful thought or belief for me to carry around with me and tell myself?
And then start telling yourself this new belief. OFTEN!
Use affirmations to keep reminding yourself, maybe on a post-it where you can see it.
Or give yourself a visual prompt like a stone or a shell or a piece of string to jog you - and when your saboteur pops up, which it will for a while, and from time to time, gently send it away again, and bring your mind back to the the new storyline.
Oh, and one final suggestion…
Consider getting a Coach!
Get help writing your next chapter
If things are feeling really stuck and muddled, it can often be really confusing and tricky to untangle all of the things on your own, and at times like these, particularly if you feel these stories have been holding you back for some time, it can be really valuable and helpful to seek support from someone who is able to ask you the right questions and help you to make sense of the things that are coming up for you so you can rewrite the stories and gain the clarity and confidence to seize the day, step up and go for the things and the life you truly desire!
(Sometimes the simple truth is that we will listen to and believe someone else more readily than we listen to and trust in ourselves (a bit like teenagers will listen to anyone but their own parents!) - and having someone on your journey with you also helps keep you on track when you hit a sticky patch of particularly deeply held stories/beliefs).
Helping women who are feeling like this is what I love to do.
And I do it ideally IN-PERSON and outside IN-NATURE nature, with nature as a coaching partner.
And the results are magical.
It can be a perfect way to invest in yourself and your self-care, to nurture your emotional and psychological wellbeing, and to re-connect to your dreams, desires and inner belief. in a way that actually makes things happen, on purpose!
So if you’re struggling with your stories, and feeling that you’re holding back, ignoring your whisper, and you feel well and truly stuck/overwhelmed, but you’re really keen and ready to get moving, look after your needs and cultivate a life you love where the sky’s no limit, let’s have a free informal chat (phone call, zoom (if we must) or on a bench/tree trunk outside).
When we chat we’ll have a gently dive into where you’re at, where your stickiness and tangle is, and how working together (with nature in the room too) could help to untangle and unstick you and instill the courage and confidence you need to get out of your personal quagmire!!
Sound like something you’d love to do?
Ready to make the first move to invest in your re-write?
Drop me a quick message and let’s set up a time that works for you and me to have a conflab over a cuppa.